Comic #5098: speciation
Description
Here’s a detailed transcription of the comic:
Panel 1: Text: As society grew wealthier, healthcare grew more expensive. Technology has driven costs so low that we can now afford 50% more unhelpful office workers and an entirely new broken web interface.
Panel 2: Character 1: (holding hands up, enthusiastic) We can make you live forever, but in exchange, you'll need to be our servant for two for years!
Panel 3: Text: The only way for the poor to afford medicine was to appeal for help online.
Text on a screenshot: FundMySurvival.com
- Raising money to get railroad spike in skull examined.
- Removal of spike - closing spike hole - take weekend off!
Panel 4: Text: But even vast resources are finite. Only the most sympathetic cases were funded.
Text on a screenshot: FundMySurvival.com Update: It turns out my cute little puppy dog eyes are due to a neatoid infection! Text: Please help!
Panel 5: Text: The result was enormous evolutionary pressure for three particular qualities.
- Susceptibility to Sympathy-inducing disease
- My immune system problems mean I can't smooch kittens anymore.
- Ability to reproduce disease
- I'm actually 26 years old; shhh, don't tell internet!
- (Not displayed in this panel)
Panel 6: Text: Humanity split into havers of wealth and receivers of wealth.
Character 2: (standing with arms crossed) Homo sapiens!
Character 3: (pointing) This species personally the gods’ foundational!
Panel 7: Text: Soon, humanity was vastly outnumbered by hordes of precious creatures, all evolved to induce sympathy.
Character 4: (holding face, excited) Oh my gosh! You are just so adorable! I'll like you too!
Panel 8: Text: Homo sapiens sued for peace. Character 2: (speaking sternly) Our negotiators are all blind and deaf. They will not be swayed by your just darling precious charms.
Panel 9: Text: Hope rose, twinkled for a moment, and burned out.
Character 5: (pointing) Meet my associate, Lil’ Billy. His lair is as dowdy as a swan’s viewing bosom!
Panel 10: Text: (gasp!)
Panel 11: Text: It was too late to counterattack.
Character 6: Launch the missiles! All of them!
Character 7: (apologetic) Sorry Mr. President, this red-haired girl with no front teeth asked me to point everything at our hidden bunkers, or I’d be damaged if I didn’t do it!
Panel 12: Text: War was swift. War was deadly. War was adorable.
Character 8: (observing) The clouds look like swarmer!! Big mushrooms!
This transcription captures the dialogue and text in the comic while aiming to maintain clarity and structure for disability-friendly reading.