Comic #4225: christmastronomy

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Description

Sure! Here’s the transcription of the text from the comic:

Panel 1:
Character 1: "Hey, do you know why stores always seem to stock Christmas stuff earlier in the year?"
Character 2: "Is it because holiday commerce is a sort of soulless hulk that turns its expressionless face ever further from God and ever closer to Mammon?"

Panel 2:
Character 3: "Nah. Nah, that's dumb."
Character 1: "It's because Santa orbits the sun at the same distance as Earth, only a little quicker."

Panel 3:
Character 3: "His orbital period is one hour shorter than ours, causing Christmas to occur slightly sooner every year. Hence, Christmas is just growing 'earlier' each year."

Panel 4:
Character 4: "We humans have pegged Christmas to December 25, but that just means we grow ever more wrong in our estimates for Santa's arrival."

Panel 5:
Character 3: "As time wears on, official Christmas and actual Christmas will become less and less synchronized, until Christmas stuff is in stores from March through August, and not even present during the calendar holiday."

Panel 6:
Character 1: "But, eventually, we will reach a special conjunction. A 'Noel' eclipse, if you will."
Character 2: "I will not."

Panel 7:
Character 3: "Intellectualism is dead in this country."

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