Comic #6681: practical-eschatology
Description
Certainly! Here’s the transcription of the comic text:
Panel 1: Over time it became harder and harder to find military recruits.
Everyone expects killing to become automated within 20 years, so it’s not a good long-term plan for young people.
Panel 2: Leaders were forced to consider people formerly deemed unfit.
What if we went to philosophy departments?
Panel 3: We need practical people.
Hear me out. They can convince themselves anything is okay.
Panel 4: (Dave saying) Dave over here believes he gets bonus points in heaven if he dies defending us. Send him!
Panel 5: The armies of the world organized around “eschatological fairness”.
Perkins, did you say you believe that if you get killed in the line of duty you go to Valhalla where you feel up Norse maidens and drink mead from a goat's teats all day?
Panel 6: (Soldier responding) Sir, yes, sir!
Get your cave-diving gear and a stick of dynamite, son.
Panel 7: The people with the most naively hopeful views of the hereafter were rapidly eliminated.
Tell my wife…well meet again one day…in the land of weed and threesomes beyond this vale of tears…
Panel 8: Meanwhile, the people with the darkest view of this universe were promoted.
Franklin, you believe this life is hell number 1 and when you die you sink to lower depths of horrors more terrible than the last, in an infinitely nested sequence of unspeakable misery?
Panel 9: (Soldier responding) Sir, yes, sir!
We’ll put you in management.
Panel 10: In order to keep up recruitment, military leaders founded their own religion.
Follow us and you will go to the land of weed and threesomes beyond this vale of tears…
Panel 11: (Woooh!)
Panel 12: But once they had power, the temptation to believe their own theology became overwhelming.
Maybe I could be Jesus…only a new kind of Jesus who just tells people exactly what they want to hear all the time and in return gets sex and money and power over life and death.
Panel 13: (Fortunately, technology saved the day at the last minute.)
Franklin, sorry, but the autonomous kill-bots came earlier than expected. You’ll have to be Christ incarnate on civilian time.
Panel 14: Shucks!
(Soldier saying) Sir!
Let me know if you need anything else!