Comic #5922: science-2

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THINGS I’D LIKE TO SEE WRITTEN IN SCIENTIFIC PAPERS:

ABSTRACT
Just read the introduction and imagine there’s less information and a few arbitrary grammatical changes.

The word “counterintuitive” is used here strictly in order to secure access to a higher-tier journal.

The third author on this publication knows nothing and repeatedly slowed down progress, but if I don’t mention him there will be office politics.

This paper was written only to gain media attention by overturning purported dogma that the field in fact left behind several decades ago.

Previous work in this field has been hampered by Frank. Yes, you know the one I’m talking about with his bullshit.

I will be exclusively citing papers from the two years of my post-doctoral studies, during which time all fundamental truth was revealed to me.

This mathematical model adds nothing but got the paper past a reviewer who thinks he’s good at programming.

Christ, just look at the graphs. This whole section is just me saying what’s in the graphs.

A list of statistical analyses that failed to return an interesting finding is available upon request.

Further research is pointless because this paper is the last fucking word. My command of the facts is comprehensive and new information is irrelevant because the theory is austere crystalline perfection.