Comic #5469: mercator

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Here's a transcription of the text from the comic:

Panel 1: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ALL OF US WERE MENTALLY DEVASTATED WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT PROJECTING A SPHERICAL SURFACE ONTO A RECTANGLE PRODUCES DEFORMATIONS."

Panel 2: "TO OUR GREAT SORROW, WE DISCOVERED THE WORLD IS MOSTLY MADE OF CANADA, RUSSIA, GREENLAND, AND ANTAKTICA THAT ABRUPTLY STOPS AT 60 DEGREES SOUTH LATITUDE."

Panel 3: "IT'S TIME TO TAKE DESTINY INTO OUR OWN HANDS."

Panel 4: "WITH THE CONTROLLED DETONATION OF THE WORLD'S NUCLEAR BOMBS IN SPACE, WE CAN EASE THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH INTO SPACE."

Panel 5: "THE LEFTOVER CENTER OF THE EARTH IS PRE-MOLTEN, SO IT CAN BE INJECTED INTO THE GAPS CREATED BY THE NEW PROJECTION. THIS WILL PROVIDE VALUABLE HEAT UNTIL WE CAN THINK OF A WAY TO RECREATE THE WARMTH OF THE SUN."

Panel 6: "BEYOND THE OBVIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL BENEFITS, THIS WILL VASTLY IMPROVE GEOPOLITICS. RUSSIA IS AN EXPANSIONIST BUT THIS WILL LITERALLY TRIPLE THEIR TERRITORY BASED ON EXTRAPOLATION FROM RECENT RATE OF CONQUEST; THEY'LL BE PACIFIED FOR 2000 YEARS."

Panel 7: "CANADA'S MANIFEST AGGRESSIVE TENDENCIES WILL BE COUNTERED BY THE NOT INCONSIDERABLE SIZE OF GREENLAND AND ICELAND, NONE OF WHICH ARE AGAIN, MADE OF THOUSAND-DEGREE HOT IRON!"

Panel 8: "EURPOPE WILL BECOME DISPROPORTIONATELY SCANDINAVIAN… THE DAMAGE TO CUISINE WILL BE MORE THAN OFFSET BY THE RETURN OF MY ANCESTORS."

Panel 9: "ANTARCTICA WILL BE FIVE TIMES LARGER AND IF YOU WAKE UP TOO FAR INTO SPACE, YOU'LL FALL OFF OF EARTH INTO SPACE. THIS IS OBJECTIVELY DESIRABLE."

Panel 10: "THE OBJECTIONS ARE MINIMAL."

Panel 11: "THE LACK OF AN ATMOSPHERE PROBLEM COULD BE SOLVED EITHER BY BECOMING A RACE OF MOLE-PEOPLE, OR SEALING UP THE SIDES OF THE UNDER WITH MOLTEN METAL."

Panel 12: "THE LACK OF A MAGNETOSPHERE WOULD MEAN NO MORE AURORAS, BUT SCIENCE SAYS THEY'RE JUST THE GHOSTS OF DEPARTED ANCESTORS, SO WHO CARES?"

Panel 13: "AND YES, THE SUN WILL BE BLOTTED OUT FOR ALL TIME. HOWEVER, WE COULD RECapture THE LIGHT BY PUTTING HUGE HOLES IN THE SIDES OF THE TUNNEL."

Panel 14: "THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO COULD CONCEIVABLY BE DAMAGED ARE THOSE KILLED IN THE INITIAL DETONATIONS… BUT THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO BE UPSET!"

Panel 15: "WHAT PRECISELY WOULD ALL THIS COST?"

Panel 16: "LUCKILY, SINCE WE'LL MOSTLY BE DEAD, MONEY WILL NO LONGER HAVE MEANING!"

Footer: "BAHFest Returns CLICK FOR INFORMATION AND TICKETS! BAHFest HOUSTON MARCH 4, 7 PM RICE UNIVERSITY Featuring: HELEN WEINGSMITH, PHIL PLAIT, CARRIE MEISSEL, DOUGLAS M. TEELSON, NIDA MOUKADAM

BAHFest LONDON MARCH 21, 7 PM IMPERIAL COLLEGE Featuring: HELEN AVERY, MICHAELA ANDERSON, TRACY KING, MINNIE LYONS, ED THORNE (ME)"