Comic #4790: soulmate

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Sure! Here’s the text from the comic transcribed accurately:

Panel 1: "We created a machine to find soulmates. No more chance encounters. The machine will find the one person with whom you would have your best—"

Panel 2: "Huh. It turns out all of us would be happier marrying 0.0001% of people who are powerful, attractive, brilliant, and kind."

Panel 3: "We sought out these universal soulmates." "I'm sorry, I don’t mean to love you. I must first eradicate disease from the children of the world."

Panel 4: "Could we just do—" "I'm more of a candlelight romance guy!" "Goddamnit."

Panel 5: "In our own way, we made peace with our lesser destinies." "At least we were better for having inspired us to be our finest selves."

Panel 6: "Until we uncovered their secret." "You have secret meetings? Trying to kill us, no doubt!" "We were eating vegan desserts and discussing the nature of love."

Panel 7: "We have to be—before we kill ourselves."

Panel 8: "We set a trap for them." "Mr. President—as bait, I propose we attack a small nation and turn its government to shambles, creating a refugee crisis that we refuse to help with."

Panel 9: "Wow! You won’t believe the coincidence that just happened!"

Panel 10: "The ideal people anticipated our plan and reacted accordingly." "To whom it may concern: We have fled to Mars. We did sandwiches. Sorry you didn’t get to annihilate us. We know you had your heart set on it."

Panel 11: "The new Martian race thrived." "Wow! The core became magnetic again the moment we were near."

Panel 12: "And the atmosphere's thickening just so it can stay close to us."

Panel 13: "Earth became a hard place to be." "My boyfriend left."

Panel 14: "Yeah, there are always more fish in the sea. No really—great fish now. But, more of a—"

Panel 15: "Meanwhile, the Martians progressed rapidly." "Oh! And we can end war by, like, not doing war."

Panel 16: "The combination of their advanced knowledge and our advanced sorrow produced some uncomfortable math." "The fundamental equations say Earthlings would be less unhappy if they were non-existent."

Panel 17: "So, the kindest thing we could do would be—" "Probably lasers."

Panel 18: "All's well that ends well!" "At least we will all be in heaven together!" "Actually, we go to a different one."

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