Comic #4397: modeling

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Here is the transcribed text from the comic:

Panel 1: One day, I had a funny idea.
“Hey! What if we created an algorithm to determine the dumbest method for pricing stocks that worked really well over the last 50 years?”

Panel 2: The solution was delightful.
“Count the total number of wiener dog races in Pittsburgh as of last month. The total is even! It’s a sign to buy, sell.”

Panel 3: I began texting the algorithm to prove the fallacies of simplistic prediction models.
“The boring quantitative community is gonna eat this up!”

Panel 4: But a strange thing happened.
“Works.”

Panel 5: Within a few years, we were the most respected stock traders on Earth!
“What’s your secret, anyway?”
“I analyze where dogs race outcomes.”

Panel 6: We wanted help to solve the puzzle, but we soon discovered we were alone.
“Why won’t anyone believe me?”
“Hahahaha!”

Panel 7: Our wealth could not remove our anxiety.
“I don’t care how rich we are, I can’t sleep at night! How can I work this way? HOW?”

Panel 8: We hungered for truth.
“We thirsted for understanding.”
“What are you hiding? Answer me, you bitch!”

Panel 9: Each dollar earned only convinced us of our own madness.
“Another billion this hour!”

Panel 10: Finally, we used our wealth for the only solution we could countenance.
“Find the wiener dogs. Round them up. End them!”

Panel 11: The universe was righted.
“Today, delegating news for the semi-sappy dog community.”

Panel 12: But we will never have peace.
“For I have slain the wiener dogs, but I know in my heart they are written into the fabric of the cosmos.”

Panel 13: By a god with a stupid sense of humor.
“Ahahaha, hahahaha!”

This transcription captures all the text present in the comic panels.