Comic #3295: 2014-05-26

Description

Here’s a detailed, disability-friendly description of the comic:

Panel 1: A woman with glasses and brown hair is speaking. She has a neutral expression and is gesturing with her hands as she talks. The background is simple.

Text: "IF A MICROORGANISM IS TRANSMITTED SEXUALLY, IT DOES BEST WITH A SEXUALLY ACTIVE HOST."

Panel 2: The same woman continues speaking passionately. An audience can be seen, but their features are less defined.

Text: "IF THE MICROORGANISM'S HOST IS A SOCIAL ANIMAL, THE MICROORGANISM SHOULD HAVE EVOLVED TO MANIPULATE ITS HOST INTO BEING AN AMAZING SEX PARTNER IN ORDER TO INCREASE TRANSMISSION."

Panel 3: The woman now appears more animated, pointing at a chart on an easel beside her.

Text: "HOWEVER, TOO MANY STDS CAN LOWER SOCIAL STANDING. THUS, WE PROPOSE THE STD OPTIMUM, ALSO KNOWN AS ‘THE SWEET SPOT,’ ALSO KNOWN AS ‘THE CRABS NEBULA.’"

Panel 4: The chart is shown in detail, with axes labeled.

Text on the chart: "THE Y AXIS IS DESIRABILITY. THE X AXIS IS THE PRODUCT OF STD QUANTITY AND STD SERIOUSNESS."

Panel 5: The woman indicates a peak on the chart.

Text: "AT THE APEX ARE THOSE INDIVIDUALS WITH A DIVERSE BODILY ECOSYSTEM OF NON-SERIOUS SEXUAL PATHOGENS."

Panel 6: She appears pleased and continues to explain.

Text: "THEY ARE THE UNSUNG HEROES OF THE SEXUAL REALM. PERHAPS THEY GO OUT AT NIGHT TO DIVERSIFY THEIR BIOMES. PERHAPS THEY DO IT IN SECRET SO NO ONE KNOWS THE TROUBLE THEY GO TO."

Panel 7: She concludes her thought, now looking more serious.

Text: "PERHAPS THEY DEFY THESE SPECIES AND SAY ‘TAKE WHAT YOU WILL OF MY BODY, AND PERHAPS MY SPOUSE’S, AND MAKE US BETTER.’"

Panel 8: A person from the audience raises their hand, with a speech bubble emerging.

Text: "QUESTION: DO YOU HAVE ANY EVIDENCE FOR ANY OF THIS?"

Panel 9: The woman responds, slightly amused.

Text: "N OF 1, BUT SHE'S REALLY SMART."

This transcription maintains the structure and playful tone of the original comic while ensuring clarity and accessibility.